True Blood Finale Will Restore Faith In Vampires

To really love Alan Ball's HBO show True Blood » 11/23/08 5:25pm 11/23/08 5:25pm, you have to get past a few things. Namely, the wacky special effects, the terrible Louisiana accents, and the fact that in a month or so, most of you will groan whenever you hear the word 'vampire.' We already described of that won the weekend's box office, but in…

GOP Wonderboy Is First Millennial Member of Congress

Despite my best efforts, I was born in the 1980s. So is the youngest member of Congress, Peoria, Illinois' Aaron Schock, after defeating 50 year old Democrat Colleen Callahan on November 4th. Winning around 59 percent of the vote in his urban district, the young Schock is already a rising star in the Republican party,… » 11/23/08 4:40pm 11/23/08 4:40pm

Holiday Parties Scale Back To Respect Poverty of Others

We feel desperately sympathetic towards still-employed members of the media who will have no holiday party to celebrate not being fired at this Christmas. Newsweek moved their party to April » 11/23/08 3:35pm 11/23/08 3:35pm, and , , and have canceled their celebrations altogether. But for those richheads who haven't been touched by the grim finger…

Everything You Do Or Don't Do Gives You Cancer

Layoffs at newspapers tend to hit the less essential sections first. You're not going to see the sports page disappear, but you might no longer have a local science reporter. To fill in the blanks, editors use wire stories, and when it comes to science reporting, they'll apparently print anything » 11/23/08 2:30pm 11/23/08 2:30pm they come across.…

Jennifer Aniston Is The Only One Allowed To Stare At Her

Jennifer Aniston's face adorns the cover of this week's New York Times Magazine » 11/23/08 11:45am 11/23/08 11:45am. Despite her current remarks in the interview therein about when people take camera phone pictures of her and sell them to feed their family, Ms. Aniston would like to reassure you that she loves images of herself as much as you do. After …

The Fun, Sexy Guys Who Would Save The Economy

There is one heartening thing that we can take from President-Elect Barack Obama's appointment of controversial ex-Harvard President Larry Summers as head of the National Economic Council. In the face of some opposition from those within his coalition, Obama appointed Summers to the role. It follows that the former… » 11/23/08 10:35am 11/23/08 10:35am

Mocking Arianna The Way She Deserves To Be Mocked

On the heels of reports her megablog Huffington Post has received » 11/23/08 10:00am 11/23/08 10:00am $15 million in venture capital funding, Arianna Huffington got the SNL treatment last night, and it was...really tame. New performer Michaela Watkins captured the details of the HuffPo founder as well as she did in , but it missed out on so much of…

Are Kids Really Replicating Anti-Drug Commercials In Virginia?

The outbreak of heroin-related deaths in Fairfax, Virginia is killing the area's best and brightest young people. So says the front page of the Washington Post » 11/23/08 9:15am 11/23/08 9:15am , which highlights exactly how upscale and surprising teen deaths from heroin in the area were. Nineteen year old Alicia Lannes, at left, overdosed on the drug …

SNL Suffers From Pre-Thanksgiving Break Blues

Politics took a backseat on last night's Saturday Night Live » 11/23/08 8:30am 11/23/08 8:30am. After opening with a less than hilarious satire of the congressional hearing with Detroit automakers, the show tried to squeeze jokes out of country singer and host Tim McGraw saying slightly unexpected things for an hour. Even the most promising concept of …

Five Celebrity Couples We Can't Believe Are Real

Celebrities are a good example for the little people, proving that you don't have to be actually attractive to get laid. Age doesn't matter a bit. Everyone wears scarves or flips their collar up and you have enough money to go on vacation into infinity. It's exactly like real life, but with more vacation. It is our… » 11/22/08 6:30pm 11/22/08 6:30pm

Obama Equals Churchill In Ominous YouTube Address

When the president-elect announced » 11/22/08 4:55pm 11/22/08 4:55pm that he'd be making a weekly YouTube addresses, we prepared ourselves for the dulcet tones of Barack's voice soothing us through America's economic crisis. In today's address, Obama channels all the gravitas he can muster as he lectures us on "the survival of the American dream." Talk…

Obamas Shock America, Choose Upscale Private School For Daughters

It's official — the exhaustive presidential show of pretending to consider a public school for the Obama daughters is over. They'll be attending Chelsea Clinton's alma mater, the Sidwell Friends School. Tuition will cost the the family $28,442 for Sidwell's Lower School in Maryland, and $29,442 per annum once the girls … » 11/22/08 3:35pm 11/22/08 3:35pm

Gail Collins Writes The Worst Op-Ed of 2008

Every Thursday and Saturday, I have the same nightmare. When I wake up in the morning to read the Times » 11/22/08 2:25pm 11/22/08 2:25pm on those days, the dream is made real...all over the op-ed page. Her name is Gail Collins. Once the paper's editorial page director, she now writes twice a week, and when those days come around, I'd rather listen to …

Time for Manhunt To Admit Straights

As we learned from the lawsuit » 11/22/08 1:45pm 11/22/08 1:45pm filed to open Christian dating site eHarmony to homosexuals, everyone wants to take advantage of Neil Clark Warren's methodology that pairs compatible couples. Per the terms of this week's settlement between the dating site and the state of New Jersey, eHarmony Compatible Partners, a…

Campy Twilight Makes You Laugh While It Takes Your Money

Teen vampire romance Twilight » 11/22/08 12:30pm 11/22/08 12:30pm is finally yours to enjoy in theaters, and one day later, it's the best debut for a female director ever. The first numbers indicate the film has made $32.7 million so far, and online ticket purchases haven't been this hot since . The film will have doubled its miniscule budget by the…